Tuesday, 18 June 2013
Today I was in school, in class, sitting next to a boy whom I have known since the beginning of the year. This boy is particularly unaware of his actions, and is also particularly horny and perverted; not towards me, but towards lots of others. This has never made me like him any less, because he's a teenage boy and even though he's over the top and confused (and most likely a virgin, making his over-confidence about his own sexuality all the more pitiful) he's funny and he's mostly pleasant.
We were talking and he was messing around, pretending to be annoyed because I took a pencil from his desk. Then he grabbed me in apology, which I didn't like and told him to piss me off. I also saw him gesture to the boy behind me, imitating a blow job. I told him to piss off again and left it at that; he's just a teenage boy, right? He's confused. He doesn't mean it. He doesn't realise how sexist and shitty that is.
Then after a while, he said "You're being a fucking slut today." I was pretty shocked, and the boy behind laughed in surprise. I laughed too, because it was just so ridiculous. And then he came right up in my face, and said so aggressively "You're a fucking cunt, you fucking slut."
At this the two other boys fell silent and then sort of laughed it off, but I just sat there and felt sort of sick. I don't know why, but it just hurt so much, not because there was any truth in it but because it had been so aggressive and so so sexist. In the middle of a crowded classroom. It didn't feel like a joke anymore. I cried on the way home, and I'm not sure why; he meant it as a joke, and as I said earlier he is unaware of his actions and didn't realise how much it really meant. But then I realised, why am I making excuses for him? It was a fucking awful thing to say, and it hurt, and it was sexist and it was shitty. He should be aware of his actions. He's fifteen, not a fucking kid, and he should know better. Why doesn't he know better? Because he spends his time watching porn and seeing girls as sex toys, because he's a hormonal teenage boy, because he hasn't been educated properly, or perhaps because he's just a dick. I don't know why. But it hurt and it wasn't right and it wasn't fair.
There's no real point in this post, but it seemed to me like there should be more to this than just 'he didn't mean it'. I should be more annoyed, and it shouldn't have been my first response to push it aside and think it was ok, because it's not, and having an attitude like that is what makes him think it's ok.